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naughtyI don't know how far and/or wide the "Sit-&-Sleep" (or is that "Sit-n-Sleep"?) chain of mattress stores reaches, but here in LA you can't listen to any English-speaking channel on the AM dial for as long as 5 minutes without hearing one of their ads. Irwin, the accountant, is heard tearing his hair out in lament that Larry's promotional idea of offering money-back guarantees and free inducements to encourage walk-in business is sure to bankrupt them. So far, Larry has driven Irwin to the point of madness, and back, on vacation, into hiding, into prozac, into the bottle, into rehab, and into divorce. (But somehow, never into bankruptcy. Odd, that....)
Recently I got so fed up with Larry's manic enthusiasm and Irwin's depressive hysteria that I fled to the FM dial, to Jack FM, where they were playing some songs I used to hear all the time back in college. And then they broke for a commercial, and Guess Who It Was? And so I found myself writing the following.
I invite "Sit-&-Sleep" to utilize the following. I won't charge royalties. (Ascap & BMI, now....)
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You’re Killing Me, Larry
Recently I got so fed up with Larry's manic enthusiasm and Irwin's depressive hysteria that I fled to the FM dial, to Jack FM, where they were playing some songs I used to hear all the time back in college. And then they broke for a commercial, and Guess Who It Was? And so I found myself writing the following.
I invite "Sit-&-Sleep" to utilize the following. I won't charge royalties. (Ascap & BMI, now....)
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You’re Killing Me, Larry
(to the tune of “You’re Fooling Yourself” by Styx)
[ After a typical spoken Larry / Irwin exchange about the deleterious effects of
Larry’s sale ideas on Irwin’s health and sanity, an instrumental track appears,
with (backup singers) and Irwin sings the following: ]
"You're killing me, Lar-ry you don't believe it.
You're killing me, Lar-ry you don't believe it.
Get lost (get lost). Don’t ever come back.
A heart’s what you lack, with your vices.
Get out (get out). Get out of the store.
Don’t slash any more of my pri-ces, no, no, no, not my pri-i-ic-es!"
You're killing me, Lar-ry you don't believe it.
Get lost (get lost). Don’t ever come back.
A heart’s what you lack, with your vices.
Get out (get out). Get out of the store.
Don’t slash any more of my pri-ces, no, no, no, not my pri-i-ic-es!"
[Instrumental bridge, which fades under Larry’s tagline:]
"We’ll beat any deal, or your mattress is freeeeeeeeeee!"
[Instrumental swells, drowning out the sound of Irwin screaming the torments of the damned]
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Of course, at some point, we may expect Irwin will lose it completely. He'll spend an entire commercial cackling like a maniac and audibly sharpening blades while Larry prattles about all the money he's going to proudly lose, and then ask Larry "Does it hurt, Larry? How about now?" Larry will ask why, and Irwin will shout, "Because I'm Killing You, Larry!!" and then laugh incessantly to the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw cutting through meat.
Well, we may at least live in hope....
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Of course, at some point, we may expect Irwin will lose it completely. He'll spend an entire commercial cackling like a maniac and audibly sharpening blades while Larry prattles about all the money he's going to proudly lose, and then ask Larry "Does it hurt, Larry? How about now?" Larry will ask why, and Irwin will shout, "Because I'm Killing You, Larry!!" and then laugh incessantly to the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw cutting through meat.
Well, we may at least live in hope....