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Now that the election cycle is over, we can take a breath, smell the coffee, and try to make an intelligent choice about which wobbly rock in the piranha-infested river of American politics we wish to leap to next. So that we may make an informed choice, I offer the following.... The Political Philosophies of the USA (boiled down to their basic essentials): --- Your Basic Democrat "We need more entitlement programs. Let's raise taxes to pay for it all." Your Basic Republican "We need tax shelters and new construction projects. Let's borrow several billion dollars to pay for it all." Your Basic Liberal "Sex, drugs, tobacco products, fatty foods, and SUV's are evil (unless they belong to us). Lets pass laws so that other people can't enjoy the things that we enjoy." Your Basic Conservative "Small government is good government. We need to create huge bureacratic regulatory agencies to make sure government stays small." Your Basic (Big-L) Libertarian "There are a lot of important issues we could discuss, such as the role of government in a civilized society, the wisdom of the Founding Fathers of our great nation, the constitutionality of many of our current laws, and the most sensible approach to national solvency. So let's begin (as always) with the single most important topic in any and every discussion of issues vital to our survival as a free nation: The legalization of marijuana." Your Basic Totalitarian "Now that I have been elected, you are all my slaves, and I shall rule with an iron rod. Bow down before me now and do my bidding, or I'll have you shot." Your Basic Right-Wing "We are a nation of poor mindless sheep who have lost our way. But if we just have faith, Awl-Mighty Gawd shall send to us a candidate who will lead us back to the path of righteousness." Your Basic Centrist "I don't like to make waves, so I just select my votes at random." Your Basic Left-Wing "I hate George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush and Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and Condoleeza Rice and Capitalism and the military and Ronald Reagan and the First, Second, and Fourth Amendments and educational freedom and Fox News and Clear Channel and Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Jeb Bush and Ann Coulter and Rupert Murdoch and Doctor Laura and Karl Karcher and my dad and the Chief of Police and Billy Graham and Jerry Falwell and tax cuts and Bill Gates and the free market economy and my cat Mittens and...." Your Basic Radical Right "Babies have a right to life. Fetuses are people too. If you visit an abortion clinic, I'll KILL you.
Your Basic Radical Center
"Goddamit, I said I don't like to make waves. Get out of my face or I'll sue your ass."
Your Basic Radical Left
"I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush I hate George Bush...."
Your Basic Lunatic Fringe
"The moon landings were faked. Modern technology was given to us by space aliens. 9/11 was planned by the US Government as a means of bailing out Enron. The war was all about oil. Conservatives are adding nanotechnology to aspirin tablets so they can beam spy rays into our heads from orbital satellites to control our minds. Every election since John Quincy Adams has been faked. Floridation of water is a ploy to pollute the purity of our precious bodily fluids. The propellant in aerosol hair spray cans is causing global warming. There is no demonstrable political bias in the American Main Stream Media. Push all the jews into the sea. America is the Great Satan. The UN should hold the launch codes of all nuclear arsenals for safe-keeping. ....And, fucking sign the goddamned Kyoto Accord, for christ's sake!.....etc etc ad nauseam ad infinitum. ....."
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(Have I left anyone untarred? Speak up; plenty of tar left on this brush. Might have a few feathers somewhere, too....)