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When I first went to LosCon, I fell in with the filking crowd and literally filked till dawn. Then, in later years, I started volunteering, and later doing the virtual masquerade, and I havn't had time to filk at LosCon since. I compensate for that by filking tunes in my spare time. I'm not so great a composer, but I can fit lyrics into other people's tunes with the best of 'em. Usually SF TV show lyrics. (Sometimes not, but usually.)
I'm going to post some of them here, just for grins. Some are finished, others are works in progress. Feel free to sing and/or distribute them at your leisure. Just be sure to remember where they came from, okay?
****************************************
"Show And Tell"
(A Stargate SG-1 filk, to the tune of "Cat's Cradle" by Harry Chapin)
[Note: "Rhi-tu" is pronounced "ree-too"]
A child arrived just the other day.
He stepped through the Gate in the usual way,
But his head was big and his face was grey,
His renal system was fadin' away.
And he was talkin' to O'Niel, and before you knew, he said
"My mom's a big Rhi-tu, Jack.
You know my mom's a big Rhi-tu...."
(chorus)
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the Man in the Moon,
Rebels comin' soon, Jack, I don't know when,
But we'll have a rough time then, Jack,
You know we'll have a rough time then.
Well the kid was dyin' 'cause he got cloned wrong,
His momma knew he would die all along,
But she needed him there 'cause she had to speak.
She knew she'd be seen as a big old freak.
Yeah she only did what she had to do, because
Mom was a big Rhi-tu, Jack.
You know his mom's a big Rhi-tu.
(chorus)
Well the Tokrah leader showed up to say,
"A Rhi-tu's a big headache, any day.
'Cause you can't see him till he's ready to spray
Your head across the room with his big death ray.
But we got ourselves a gun, lets us see 'em too.
And the kid's mom's a big Rhi-tu, Jack.
You know his mom's a big Rhi-tu."
(chorus)
Well we went off-world to the Rhi-tu's den,
And five of 'em followed us home again.
And they killed a Tokrah and shot a marine,
And blew the eleva-tor to smithereens.
Well we wiped 'em out, but they killed Momma too.
Now the kid's mom's a dead Rhi-tu, Jack
The kid's mom's a dead Rhi-tu.
(chorus)
(slower)
Then the Tokrah took the kid to put a worm in his head,
It's either that or he'll soon be dead.
Give him a worm or he'll soon be dead....
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the Man in the Moon,
Rebels may be back, Jack, I don't know when,
But we'll have a rough time then, Jack,
You know we'll have a rough time then......
***************************************
"The Devil Went Back To Georgia" (aka the Affirmative Action country song)
(Tune: "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band)
[Hey, it's fantasy. The devil appears on the Prime Material Plane in corpus and the apocalypse fails to occur. So what if there are a few political overtones...?]
<Instrumental Intro (traditionally a fiddle solo, but could also work with kazoo)>
The Devil went back to Georgia, he was lookin' for a human soul,
A man named John who once had gone and refused to play his role.
He'd beaten the Devil at fiddlin' tunes, and gone home with a gold violin,
But come this time, old John would find, you don't bet with the Devil and win!
The Devil looked high and low for John, and found him out in the woods.
He was sawin' his golden fiddle strings and the music was just too good.
The Devil licked his chops and then, with a certain amount of glee,
He hopped back up on his hickory stump and said "Hi, John, remember me?"
"We had a bet once, you recall, a wager which you won.
I paid a golden fiddle then, which wasn't too much fun.
But I had a talk with the government, they've given me what I seek,
Double-A gives me a 20 point boost 'cause I'm a red-skinned freak.
"So if you think about it, John," said the Devil with a grin,
"I really won your soul back then. (That bet was quite a sin.)
I hope you liked your fiddlin' time with that gold one in your hand,
But your life and soul are mine to take, back to my burning land."
The man said "My name's Johnny, and I don't give a fig
If Affirmative Action says you won...You fiddle like a pig!"
Johnny, rosin up your bow and fiddle up a ton
Cause hell's broke loose in Congress with Affirmative Action.
Don't matter how much better you can play because you see,
The Devil is a Red mi-no-ri-ty...!
<Instrumental Bridge (fiddle/kazoo solo) broken in middle by sounds of roaring flames, bubbling sulphur, and wails and moans of damned tormented souls. Echo and fade to end.>
****************************************
"Fried Chicken"
(Traditional lyrics - to the tune of "Pomp & Circumstance" by Edward Elgar)
Fried chicken for breakfast,
Fried chicken for lunch...
Fried chicken for supper.
It's what we like to munch.
Fried chicken at snack time,
Fried chicken in bed....
No steak or potatoes,
More fried chicken instead!
Fried chicken forever,
Finger-lickin' with bread!
Fried chicken with garlic,
Fried chicken with grease....
Fried chicken with peppers,
We're the chicken police!
Fried chicken with gravy,
Fried chicken with spoo.
Fried chicken with doughnuts,
Frosted red, white and blue!
Fried chicken forever,
It's for me and for you!
(Alien Language Translation: )
Neld flaktor ney soomchi,
Neld flaktor ney simt...
Neld flaktor ney saachti.
Eti flindall mis'vend.
Neld flaktor ne misc-lit,
Neld flaktor ne frune....
Est m'choo li-spud'lis,
Jon neld flaktor flindacht!
Neld flaktor neyvoondras,
Itso-shleez'n fen shaal!
Neld flaktor fen garlic,
Neld flaktor fen shlooz....
Neld flaktor fen peppers,
Men-di flaktor krin-fech!
Neld flaktor fen shlozit,
Neld flaktor fen spoo.
Neld flaktor fen doughnuts,
Men-shrik kal, ek ni flen!
Neld flaktor neyvoondras,
Sek ney yam ney tra-eez!
(Ain't global search & replace cool?)
[This was used in the Virtual Masquerade at Loscon 30, the year Tadao Tomomatsu won the Evans/Freehafer award. ]
VM INTRO:
[Fade up on Med. Shot of an alien speaker (medium-sized man wearing rubber alien mask) dressed in cap & gown standing in front of a curtain or neutral background, behind a lectern with a strange technological-looking device on it. "Pomp & Circumstance" is playing in background.]
SPEAKER:
Fellow graduates, I, Frengli Peyngtrii, your valedictorian, salute your accomplishments on this most proud of days.
At some point within the last several years, each of us arrived at the Space Academy, not knowing what to expect. Many of us, from bright metropoli from around the galaxy, were taken aback at the tiny village of learning we found ourselves in. We all had the same questions, and came to this place in quest of answers. And now, after all this time, we have those answers.
What do we want? Information.
Always, there have been those who doubt our abilities, convinced that we won't get it. But we have proven, and will go on proving, that we will. The quest is never easy, but we are determined, and by hook, or by crook, we will.We have ceaslessly striven into the future, sometimes hopefully, sometimes resigned, but ever onward, until all the secrets of the universe lay open before us. All except one. One, that is until now.
Graduates, I bring you now the answer to that final riddle. The one secret that has long been denied us. The jealously guarded words of power which will open all doors, the words that those in high places don't want us to know. And here they are:
[As speaker clears his throat, a small spark and puff of smoke emit from the "Translator".]
SPEAKER:
Neld flaktor ney soomchi,
Neld flaktor ney simt...
Neld flaktor ney saachti.
Et-i flindall mis'vend.
[Speaker pauses, taps on microphone, shakes it, then continues.]
Neld flaktor ne misc-lit,
Neld flaktor ne frune....
Est m'choo li-spud'lis,
Jon neld flaktor flindacht!
Neld flaktor neyvoondras,
Itso-shleez'n fen shaal!
[Technician enters from camera right wearing toolbelt bulging with gadgetry, walks in front of lectern, and attempts to adjust the strange device hanging on the front of it. CU of the device shows a label which reads "Universal Translator". Technician produces a large mallet, pounds on the device a few times, then looks up, shaking his head.]
TECHNICIAN: (Speaking to someone off-camera)
The dialect matrix is out of alignment, and the phonetic processor is having trouble locking up. This is going to take awhile. Can we go to a tape or something?
[Cut to: White screen with blue print: "Technical Difficulties"]
***************************************
ALIEN QUEEN
(Tune: "Dancin' Queen" by ABBA)
She can kill, And lay e-eggs,
While sha-ving the hair off her le-e-egs,
Oo-oo-oo, Tall and Lean,
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen!
Ellen Ripley was just a girl,
(dood-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo)
Haulin' cargo from world to world.
Al-iens sent a distress call,
And the Com-pan-y said go and haul one home....
They broke their quar-an-teen,
Brought back a larval queen,
Small and mean, only seventeen...
Seventeen...inches long with a yellow shee-een, ye-e-eah!
Bursts through chests, moves real qui-ick,
escapes while the crew's looking si-i-ick,
Oo-oo-oo, Small and Mean
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen!
It got loose and killed ev-ry one
(dood-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo)
On the Nos-tro-mo just for fun,
Ripley blew up the ship and
Got away in a lifepod when the deed was done.
She didn't know it but
She'd met a Tall and Lean
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen!
Al-ien Queen! Looked just like a big black machi-ine, ye-e-eah!
She can kill, And lay e-eggs,
While sha-ving the hair off her le-e-egs,
Oo-oo-oo, Tall and Lean,
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen!
Company found her and thawed her out,
(dood-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo, doo-dl-oo)
Said her story just had no clout.
Said she had to go back there,
'Long with a squad of sol-diers who would help her out.
And when she got the chance,
She'd beat a Tall and Lean
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen.
Al-ien Queen! Made short work of the space mari-ines, ye-e-eah!
She can kill, And lay e-eggs,
While sha-ving the hair off her le-e-egs,
Oo-oo-oo, Tall and Lean,
Death Machine, dig it, Al-ien Queen!
[I wrote the above after Aliens 2, and then never got back to it. I only saw Aliens 3 the one time, so my memories of it are hazy. Ripley gets knocked up in her life pod by an alien facehugger which also somehow impregnates the little girl she rescued, the ship's cat, and the torn remains of the ship's android, but they all die when the ship crash-lands on a prison planet where everybody is bald and they smelt lead in pennance for their crimes. Ripley's facehugger then impregnates a dog, and the alien that results acts like a watchdog to Ripley, who turns out to have been impregnated with a queen. In horror, Ripley leaps into a vat of molten lead justs as her chest explodes.
In Alien Resurrection, Company Lab Geeks have isolated strands of genetic material from the lead ingot that Ripley dissolved in, and made a series of clones, most of them not so cute and one which looks just like Ripley, but is in all other respects an alien. Space pirates have arrived bearing a bunch of hijacked travellers in suspended animation, and sold them as "volunteer" test subjects to the Lab Geeks. An alien gets loose, the lab locks down, and the pirates' only hope of escape is to follow Ripley as she exterminates the other test subjects. One of the pirates turns out to be a cute little lesbian android with an axe to grind. Ripley's baby is a hulking misshapen monster from hell. Lab Geeks are in love with an alien queen (it must be due to the 9-inch stiletto heels growing from her feet). The baby is sucked out a bullethole in a window and explosively decompresses in space. The lifepod crashes on Earth. Ripley smiles.
How to put any or all of that to music? Hmmm...
(Alternate Refrain Lines For Future Verses:)
-- Alien Queen! Giger fans think she's really kee-een, ye-e-eah!
-- Alien Queen! Boiled in lead in the final sce-ene, ye-e-eah!
-- Alien Queen! In a lab that was really cle-ean, ye-e-eah!
-- Hybrid Queen! Best of both races in her ge-enes, ye-e-eah!
As to other lyrics, I'm open to suggestions. ]
****************************************
"The Damage Control Office Anthem"
(Tune: "Auld Lang Syne")
(To be sung in a comic-opera scottish brogue, if possible)
The Dam-age Con-trol Off-ficers
are the first upon the scene.
When struc-ture starts to fail, we keep
it from burs-ting at the seams.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with bungee cords
And a roll of duck tape too.
When se-ven pounds of an-ti-mat
-ter ex-plodes against your hull,
The boys from D-C-O are there,
And their lives are never dull.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with bailing wire
And a roll of duck tape too.
We seldom get re-place-ment parts,
so we use what is at hand.
So don't complain or be surprised
if your deck should turn to sand.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with dental floss
And a roll of duck tape too.
Should im-pulse engines all implode
and the warp drive turn to scumm,
We'll hold the ship together, lads,
with a wad of bub-ble gumm.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with speaker wire
And a roll of duck tape too.
Should all the tur-bo-lifts collide,
turning oc-cu-pants to slush,
We'll get the system run-ning right
and we'll do it in a rush.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with cargo belts
And a roll of duck tape too.
If shut-tle-craft should slide about
and go crashing through the ship,
The D-C boys will tie them down
and make sure they will not slip.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with bubble wrap
And a roll of duck tape too.
If gra-vi-ty con-trol should fail,
and the at-mo-sphere go sour,
The boys from D-C-O will get
it all run-ning in an hour.
With rubber bands and paper clips,
And gobs of Elmer's Glue,
We'll lash it down with curtain cords
And a roll of duck tape too.
Should warp na-cells ex-plode in flight
and in-cin-er-ate the crew,
Well, then we'll all be dead and so
it'll all be up to you!
A bit of duck tape here and there,
And a bungee cord or two,
You'll need a ton of sealing wax
And the best of luck to you!
(slower)
With rubber bands and paper clips,
Duck tape and Elmer's Glue,
The D-C-O is there to keep
It all wor-king just for you.
****************************************
THE FLIP SIDE OF "MONSTER BY MISTAKE"
(Tune: "Monster By Mistake" TV show title song)
[This is a parody of the theme song of a kid's show I was paid to watch again and again and again. The real lyrics are an intro to the storyline told from the Heroes' point of view. I felt the time was ripe to tell the villain's side of things.]
Hi, my name is Gorgool and I'm just a normal guy,
But I'm stuck inside this little ball that's just six inches high.
That boy Warren said he'd let me out, but it was just a lie!
I'm a prisoner of this kid!
His sister Tracy took my spellbook and my power gem as well.
She wreaks havok on the city with her ama-teur-ish spells, and
With a mis-pro-nun-ci-a-tion she could blow us all to hell!
I'm a prisoner of this kid!
I'm gonna tell ya 'bout Servant the fool. He's an over-
muscled, addle-pated ape.
Always tries to help me; always gets it wrong. He can't
help it that his brain's a tiny grape!
[tuba solo]
When Warren sneezes he gets big and strong and
altogether blue,
And he terrorizes citizens, a monster through
and through!
But while I'm trapped here in this magic ball there's
nothing I can do.
I'm a prisoner of this kid!
I'm a prisoner of this kid!
I'm a prisoner of this ki-i-id!
[I emailed these lyrics to the webmaster of monsterbymistake.com, but nothing ever came of it. The show was cancelled after less than a season. If only they'd listened to me....]
****************************************
A BLATANT HOLIDAY PLUG FOR JOE'S BAR & GRILL
(Tune: O Come All Ye Faithful)
(Not an SF filk per se, but more on the lines of a bold "Fuck You" to purveyors of peer pressure to engage in holiday drinking.)
O come, all ye faith-less, joy-less and des-pon-dent,
Come ye, O co-ome ye to Joe's Bar and Grill!
Come and get plas-ter'd, guz-zle to ob-li-vion.
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
Drink lots of whis-key, rum and gin and vod-ka,
Wash it all down with sev-ral gal-lons of beer!
Then we'll go driv-ing, puk-ing out the wi-in-dow,
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
Pick off pe-des-trians, ten points for a fam-'ly,
Drive on the side-walk when they flee from the street.
Park on a park bench! Then we'll stag-ger back inside,
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
Eat pic-kled pigs' feet, nosh on moul-dy beer nuts,
Or-der pas-tram-i with some boiled sau-er-kraut.
Drink Mo-gan Da-vid, or just have some Thun-der-bird!
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
Drown all your prob-lems, drown them in li-ba-tion,
Drink con-tin-u-ous-ly till they go away.
Then pay your bar tab, and spit out your li-i-ver.
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
Sing, choirs of drun-kards, in in-eb-ri-a-tion,
Sing "O-Dan-ny-Boy" at the Top Of Your Lungs.
Ree-king and droo-ling, bel-low at the pas-sers-by:
(Slurred)
"O come let ush get wayshted, O come let ush get wayshted,
O come let ush get wayshted at Joe's Bar and Grill!"
(Slower)
And the next mor-ning, when we wake in pri-son,
They'll throw the book at us, then set us all free.
Hail, Christ-mas spi-rit! All our sins for-gi-i-ven!
(Pregnant pause, then, faster:)
O come let us get wasted, O come let us get wasted,
O come let us get wasted at Joe's Bar and Grill!
****************************************
"IMPERIUS REX"
(Tune: The theme from "Flipper" TV Series)
[Yes, I'm that old. I'm older than dirt. I was on the focus team that decided what dirt should be used for. (...Nobody took my sugestions...) So, what's your point? ]
Ev-ryone loves...the King of the sea!
Ev-ryone does, that is except Me!
I'll always hate him because you see,
He killed my whole fam-i-ly!
They call him Namor! Namor! King of Atlantis!
No one, you see,'s'more evil than he!
And they say Namor, Namor as-saul-ted our nation,
With-out pro-voca-tion, out of the sea!
Riding his mon-ster, blowing his horn,
Attacked Manha-tan one Sunday morn.
Stepped on our building! I wasn't home,
And now I am all alone!
So I hate Namor! Namor! King of Atlantis!
No one, you see,'s'more evil than he!
And they say Namor, Namor as-saul-ted our nation,
With-out pro-voca-tion, out of the sea!
Wears his swim trunks, and no other clothes.
All the girls swoon, where-ever he goes.
Hits on Sue Richards! Reed starts a brawl,
Which takes out the shop-ping mall!
All 'cause of Namor! Namor! King of Atlantis!
No one, you see,'s'more evil than he!
And they say Namor, Namor as-saul-ted our nation,
With-out pro-voca-tion, out of the sea!
Ev-ryone loves...the King of the sea!
Ev-ryone does, that is except Me!
I think in oil he ought to be boiled,
To pay for all that he's spoiled!
They call him Namor! Namor! King of Atlantis!
No one, you see,'s'more evil than he!
And they say Namor, lives in a world of de-ni-al,
in his ex-i-le, under the sea!
****************************************
"The Pessimist's Wishing Song"
(words & music by Jiminy Cricket after a really, really bad day)
* * * * *
(Spoken, while backup choir hums in backgound:)
My God, what's happened to this world? When a nobleman's daughter picked up a splinter from one of his puppets, Giappetto got sued for malpractice and lost everything.
Then he got mugged and killed by brigands on the steps of the poorhouse. Figaro ate Cleopatra, and then choked to death on a fishbone. Pinochhio developed dry rot and slowly went to pieces. The blue fairy lost her job when she posed nude for a centerfold in Penthouse. Lampwick got elected President on the democratic ticket.
And me? What's to become of an out-of-work conscience when "happily ever after" ends up floating face down in the river...?
(Sung:)
...ooo-ooo-ooo...
When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are,
Makes no difference what you do,
It won't come true.
Doesn't matter where you go,
Doesn't matter who you know,
Hold your breath till you turn blue,
It won't come true.
Fate is blind,
And she is most unkind,
she gets her jollies by
perverting wishes...
...ooo-ooo-ooo...
When your heart is on your sleeve,
What you want you won't receive,
When you wish upon a star,
It won't...come...true......!
[Loud Female Voice: "Ewww, look, a cricket!"] [FX: big, gooshy splat! ]
***************************************
THE THIEVES' GUILD ANTHEM
(Tune: O Come, O Come Emmanuel)
O Come and bring thy Thieves' Guild Man-u-el,
And try to learn thy thieving lessons well.
For if you don't the Law of the Land
Decrees that you must forfeit your right hand.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
Be sure to check for traps upon the doors.
Be wary of the night-in-ga-le floors.
And as you strive to ma-ake no sound,
Take ev-ry-thing that isn't nailed down.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
Sneak into camps and villages at night,
And ransack ev-ry single thing in sight!
Be sure to leave no sto-one un-turned.
After you pil-lage ev-ry-thing must burn!
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
O put the loot upon the auction block,
Or sell it all as surplus on the dock.
Whatever does not sell, you can trade
Until a pro-fi-ta-ble deal is made.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
Set up a booth somewhere in the Bazaar.
Sell booty that you've looted from afar.
Sell worthless trash you find in the street.
Sell anything, including rotten meat.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
Do not accept a check or credit card.
Make sure their cash is co-o-old and hard.
Don't let them try to play with your head.
They all must pay cash on the bar-rel-head.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
Remind the marks the nothing comes for free,
And always check your payment care-ful-ly.
Be sure that it's not cou-oun-ter-feit,
Or all your efforts will have been for sh- ...ahem. Naught.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
But never try to cheat us of our share,
Or treat us in a way that is not fair.
For if you do your li-ver we'll tear
Out and sell for all the mar-ket will bear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! The ta-a-ake is good!
We'll fence thy stuff through-out the neigh-bor-hood.
(Slower)
O Come and bring thy Thieves' Guild Man-u-el,
And al-ways learn thy thiev-ing les-sons well........
****************************************
"When They Put Toons On The Screen"
(tune: "Begin The Beguine")
[Note: For those of you who have only ever heard the instrumental version, the clarinet flourishes and kick horns are only there to dress the melody line up; they do not have corresponding lyrics. A portion of the vocal can be found in the feature film "The Rocketeer", and no doubt someone, somewhere has recorded the entire vocal at some point in the seventy-odd years since this tune was new. Find it, and broaden yourselves.]
When they put toons...on the screen,
It brings back a world...where physics don't matter.
It brings back a world...where people can shatter,
When they put toons...on the screen.
When they put toons...on the screen,
It brings back the games...of Goofy and Pluto.
It brings back the fights...of Popeye and Bluto,
When they put toons...on the screen.
O-oh, when they put toons...on the screen,
We'd see Bugs dressed up in wo-men's clothes and kiss-ing
Elmer Fudd, whose gun would shoot but always was miss-ing,
When they put toons...on the screen.
O-oh, when they put toons...on the screen,
That's when Mommy and Daddy al-ways went for popcorn.
That's why they never knew that toons were loaded with soft porn,
When they put toons...on the screen.
When they put toons...on the screen,
It brings back the sound...of nature gone cra-zy.
It brings back the sound...of Donald and Daisy,
(Duck Voice:) "When they put toons...on the screen."
***************************************
"NextGen Shuttlecraft 4 Sale"
(Tune: "Hava Nagila" (I think I spelled that right) - traditional jewish celebration song)
Have a...New Shuttle,
Have two New Shuttles,
Have three New Shuttles,
They're awf'ly small.
Have a...New Shuttle,
Have two New Shuttles,
Have three New Shuttles,
They're awf'ly small.
And they're...not hard to store
So buy...a couple more
Just stack them on the floor,
They're Awf'ly Small
And they...have been revamped.
Now they...are kind of cramped
And their controls are stamped
"They're Awf'ly Small."
And...they...really ought to
Only be used when the transporter, Does things it really hadn't oughta
Like make the ship look like a Horta, Had secretly had beamed aboard her,
Or turns grown-ups to kids, Or turns Vulcans inside out. ...So...
Have a...New Shuttle,
Have two New Shuttles,
Have three New Shuttles;
They're awf'ly small.
Have a...New Shuttle,
Have two New Shuttles,
Have three New Shuttles;
They're awf'ly small.
And they..don't work too well
And they...all tend to smell
|Like they were made in Hell,
They're Awf'ly Small,
And they...are hard to fly,
Maybe...you shouldn't try
Unless you want to die,
They're Awf'ly Small.
And...then...when you try to
Fly them out to a ship or starbase, Where the whole crew was trained in deep space,
Then you will find the warp transmission, Starts to give off a strange emission,
And your shoes...turn bright blue...and clash with your u-u-u-ni-form. (gasp) ...So...
Have a...New Shuttle,
Have two New Shuttles,
Have three New Shuttles,
They're awf'ly small.
Have five...New Shuttles,
Have six... New Shuttles,
Have ten... New Shuttles,
Just take them all!
***************************************
"Captain Kirk"
(Tune: Charlie Brown)
[For audience participation, indicate a different person in the crowd each verse
to perform the "Imitate Shatner" line.]
Fee Fie Foe Fum Fee Fie Foe
Who's talkin' on that Suspace Radio?
(Refrain:) Captain Kirk, Captain Kirk
He's such a jerk, that Captain Kirk
And he's gonna get laid! Just you wait and see!
(Imitate Shatner:) Why...is everybody...alwys shooting...at me?!!
Moves thru the star-ship, slow and cool
Makes all the female yeomen want to drool!
(Refrain)
Mates his exec to an ancient robot probe
Takes credit when V-Ger seems to explode!
(Refrain)
Screaming at Khan just like a raving loon
Lies about the damage to stave off certain doom
(Refrain)
Beats up on klingons, kills 'em by the score
Blows up his ship just to KILL A COUPLE MORE!
Captain Kirk, Captain Kirk
"It's just a quirk!", says Captain Kirk
And he's gonna get laid! Just you wait and see!
Why is...every...body al...ways...shooting at...me?
Goes back in time just to save a pair of whales
Demoted to Captain, just to right the scales
(Refrain)
Tells Spock to shoot his brother in the heart
Asks God to show his photo-ID card!
(Refrain)
Romuans & Klingons, Humans too
Conspire to see that Captain Kirk is Through!
(Refrain)
Blows up the Klingons no one could see
Makes lasting peace through-out the galaxy
Captain Kirk, Captain Kirk
"Beats going to work", says Captain Kirk
And he's gonna get laid! Just you wait and see!
Why is...every...body always...shoot...ing at...me?
(Volley of toy phasers and photon torpedoes to finish him off)
****************************************
"Captain Kirk Is Coming To Town"
(Tune: Santa Claus is Coming To Town)
Oh. You. Better watch out. You better run hide.
(spoken) The last six guys who crossed him just up and died.
Captain Kirk is coming To Town.
Go to battle alert. Put up all your shields.
It don't mean a thing to the Tantalus Field.
Captain Kirk is coming To Town.
He knows if you're a Klingon. He knows if you're a fake.
(spoken menacingly) He knows who put the tribbles in the quadrotiticale
So be good for goodness sake.
Oh you better cloak now and get back to your space
Or he might put a pho-ton torp in your face.
Captain Kirk is coming,
And at high warp you'll be running,
Captain Kirk is coming To Town.
***************************************